Friday, January 20, 2012

For My Good.....?

February 11, 2011... a day I hate to think about, but I'll never forget. I woke up that morning just as I had everyday since early December... miserable and sick. I trusted God enough to remind myself that the temporary pain wasn't in vain. 

I found out that I was pregnant on December 8, 2010 although I'd unofficially known since Thanksgiving day. My "brother" had a dream about fish and immediately said he KNEW it was me. I didn't want to believe it! But I wanted to be a mother badly solely because I wanted to be better than my own. She'd given me up after giving birth and after being in foster care, I was finally adopted. Because I don't know any of my birth family, I was secretly ecstatic at the thought of even being a mom, because I would finally have someone close to me that I knew I shared the same blood with. But getting pregnant was a miracle within itself because at the age of 16 I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and was told that I would NEVER be able to conceive naturally. Obviously God showed me and the doctors that there is NOTHING too hard for him. They explained the risks, saying that I wouldn't make it past the first 3 months and if I did, I'd have to spend the remainder of the pregnancy on bed rest. They gave me the option of basically aborting the pregnancy OR waiting. I chose to wait & pray!! Although bad news seemed to be the gist of all of my doctor appointments, I remained optimistic. 

I was a freshman in college, 18 years old, and unmarried... everyone had their negative comments and bashed me for being "irresponsible" but no one ever cared to ask me how I was feeling or even offered to support me as I faced the cold doctor rooms and lonely hospital rooms alone. It was becoming harder and harder to hide because I seemed to be growing WAAAAAY past the normal size for a single pregnancy. Everyone claimed it had to be more than one baby but I was again in denial.

Though preparing to be a mother quickly altered me, the day I was told I was carrying TWINS really changed my life. I can remember laughing and saying, "Wow God! You must really trust me!" As the days passed, I became more excited but also cautious, and although my family wasn't so supportive, my friends and the twins' paternal family kept me encouraged. I was always the one with the inspiring word, but this time, I needed the inspiration.

But let me tell you, nothing prepared me for what was to come. On that February morning, I was in excruciating pain and I don't remember NOT crying that day. I tried to sleep and that did not work, so I drove myself to the emergency room. The doctor said the pain was normal and prescribed me a pill that I wasn't exactly thrilled to add to my growing collection of medicine at home and she assured me that I would be okay. I believed her... and for the first time during the entire span of my pregnancy, I prayed and told God, "no matter what the outcome is, I still thank you and I trust your will." I don't know if that was my spirit preparing me for what was about to happen but I braced myself for any possible situation. 

For the rest of the day the pain worsened... and then the spotting... then the hospital again...
I try to block those memories out now because even while I'm typing this, I can't blink without flashes of those scenes replaying in my head. I begged the doctor to save them and even cursed her out for telling me things would be okay! I'm sure you don't care for or even want to know the full details, but I left the hospital feeling empty that day. As I began to finally come back to my senses, I realized that there was a phone call I had to make but I had NO idea of what to say. I felt like a failure and blamed myself... how could I tell the father of my children that the one thing I was responsible for, I didn't have the ability to do? I told him the news that night and I could feel his pain and it hurt me even more. 

I fell into deep depression...( LIKE I FORGOT WHO GOD WAS!! ) I wouldn't eat, sleep, or barely talk. I hated myself and replayed that day in my mind over and over and over wondering what I could have done differently. To the outside, I put on a facade as if I was standing strong but to those close to me, I let them know that I felt my only option was suicide. I felt like I couldn't live with the pain of knowing that I'd had another chance at my imperfect life that was tainted with so much sin when my innocent children didn't. No one was there for me in those critical days following the miscarriage. I can remember driving around my neighborhood, looking for a place to end my life... literally. I stopped at a bridge, looked down in the water, and I will never forget this! My best friend sent me a text that said, "I'm not even worried because if you try to kill yourself, it wont work. God isn't through using you for his glory." 

When I hear testimonies of people's deliverance or the day they found Christ, its always unique... Before I got pregnant, I was attending church and had been baptized but I did not have a personal relationship with Christ for myself. In my despair, I developed a prayer life and looked to the Word for encouragement and uplifting when I couldn't find it anyplace else. I even accepted my calling into the ministry on January 27, 2011 coming to the conclusion that God can use ANYONE he pleases despite their past or even the mess they're in at the present time. But the miscarriage taught me God in a new way....he took the load of my burdens, gave me peace, and became my best friend. That night at the bridge, he told me my purpose, impregnated me yet again with ministry, and spoke to me thru Romans 8:18 & 28...Scriptures that I had dreams about but never read!

A day doesn't go by that I don't think about my babies, but instead of regret, I now have joy. People ask me how I got through it all and I say, it was nobody but God! I now have peace with the situation and I thank God for using it to teach me and change me. While I was pregnant, God used strangers and men & women of the gospel to let me know that it is his PROMISE that I will be a mother and my children would be chosen and anointed from the time of conception. I've learned that the prophecies and promises of God never fail, so my faith has grown and I know that when he's ready, he'll bless me with my heart's desire. I believe in counting it ALL joy and being patient when I find myself in the middle of a storm. I trust God with my life and know that everything I went thru was just a test to see if I could handle the promise.

For anyone dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, PCOS, infertility, the aftermath of miscarriage, self esteem issues, and even a phase of not understanding God's ways in your life... I encourage you to trust HIS will. He has a plan for your life and we don't suffer on our own account, but for HIS glory. No matter how things look right now, remember that ALL things will work out for your good.

-Lady A. Nicole


Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.(James 1: 2-4)

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Letter #1

December 2010

Dear Kylee Divine or Lyndon Dakota (their names before I knew they were twins),

                This is the first of many letters that I will write to you so get ready!

Let me start by introducing myself, I’m your mom….Amber Nicole Harrell. You mean so much to me because you will be the first person in the world that I can truly say I share a bloodline with. My mom had me young but she chose to give me up. Being adopted, having a child of my own will be one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given me. I was adopted as a baby. My mom, died of lupus a few months after I became a part of the family. But your grandpa has always been there for me and if God wills he will certainly be there for you. He’s married to a another lady but we don’t get along that well but I hope she will love you and be there for you no matter our circumstance. I have a big sister and she is the mother of your boy cousins. When my mom died, she was the one that took care of me even though she was just beginning college. She was about the same age as I am now. I also have a brother and the father of your girl cousins. You have SO MUCH family that I can’t name them all but I know that they will love you and hopefully support me in my decision to be a mom.

Your dad is so excited about you! Sometimes I think a little more excited than me. We started talking as friends a long time ago but finally made things official on November 11, 2010. I never thought we’d take it further but I see now that God felt differently. He is sooooo country! Lol. I love him with everything I have and I know that he will be nothing less than a great father. He has accepted his calling to minister the gospel and what I love most about him is that he loves and respects God just as much as I do. We both made the choice to have sex before marriage and even create a baby….BUT…God has given us both the vision that we will get married and are soulmates. Both of his parents support him and are in his life and he is also very close to his little brother and sister and 2 cousins. So when I say your family is BIG! I mean it.

Your dad hasn’t thrown up in years (eww) and he did so on Thanksgiving. Not to mention, your uncle had a dream about clownfish swimming and his dreams never lead him wrong.

We have no idea how we will tell our parents but we both know they might be disappointed but they will be there for us. I’m a little scared of the new independence we’ll be faced with but please believe it will be all worth it. I made up in my mind that no matter how hard the struggle is I will do everything in my power to make you happy and be a good mommy. RIGHT NOW, dad and I both want girls but my opinion changes each week. No matter what you will be we will love you just the same. I will try and write you as much as I can to document this journey of my first child. Who knows what the future will bring?

                                                                                                                All my love,
                                                                                                                                                                                                      Mommy J