To the one that gave birth to me,
Its silly of me to write a letter to someone I don't know and only shared the basics with for 40 weeks, but its the only way I feel I can begin some release. I can only ramble because my thoughts are all over the place because of how much I've held in.
People tell me not to think negatively towards you, but those people are not adopted. I can't help but have spite for you, because of the things that I have had to endure for the past 18 years. I was adopted by a wonderful family that gave their all to me and more, but something was always missing. I could forgive you for giving me up, if I just knew the reason...but I don't. I only know what THEY said. "Birth mother could not provide for child"...Was it that you could not provide me the love most mothers have or financially...I'm confused because you didnt even try. I've seen teenage mothers, single mothers, married but impoverished mothers keep their child because they could not bare to let them go. I ask God everyday what was so wrong with me that you couldnt do the same.
I'm sure you have had other kids by now, maybe even grandchildren so I wonder if they even know anything about me...or am I the mistake or the mishap that you got rid of and forgot about? I look into the eyes of strangers contemplating if they hold a resemblance to me or if they crossed your path while you were here.
Either way, being adopted is worse than the pain of any weapon and now I'm forced to live with unanswered questions and no identity. Searching for my birth family with nothing but a first name and basic health information is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I haven't lost my faith or belief, but I cant help but wonder why its so hard!
Finding out that I was adopted ruined my life. Its like everything I'd lived up to that point was a lie...everyone I'd loved as family, my adopted mother that died after 3 months of my arrival...were not the people I believed them to be.
If I never find you, the only birth relatives I'll ever know are my children, and its a struggle to have them. I wonder if you had the same health problems I have/ had and if I'll ever know the reason. You selfishly left me with NOTHING. You never came back to make sure that the better life I'm sure you thought I'd receive was ensued.
I can move on, I can't let go, I can't hate you though...all I can do is love you. You may have gave me up but you gave me life and for that I am grateful. My life has been hell and high water but I have had some good times and met great people.
I can just imagine and make assumptions about you.
How can you walk away from a child you held close to your heart for 9 months? Where are my sisters? Why am I emotionally unstable? Why is it so hard for me to have a child?...the questions continue to roll on but I have no one to answer them. I wonder if you knew who my birth father was or if he didnt want me as much as you. I wonder if you even told him he created a daughter.
I have a huge hole in my heart, a broken spirit, and an injured soul that it will only take you to repair. I wonder if you've been thinking about me, or praying for me, or looking for me as hard as I have for you. Even if you do not want me in your life, I just want the relief of knowing that you decided to admit that to me. I cry myself to sleep every night and I wake up with tears in my eyes because not having your blood is like fighting a never ending battle.
I smile to hide my pain or death would be my result. Nobody understands me, but I feel like you would.
Please give me a chance. Give me the chance to tell you I love you and to hear you say it back, even if you don't mean it. I want to know how you look and hear your voice. Even if its my dying day, I just need that proper goodbye that I wasnt afforded in the beginning so I can end the longest chapter of the novel of my life.
Until I meet you, it does not matter where I've been, where I am, or where my life is headed.