February 11, 2011... a day I hate to think about, but I'll never forget. I woke up that morning just as I had everyday since early December... miserable and sick. I trusted God enough to remind myself that the temporary pain wasn't in vain.
I found out that I was pregnant on December 8, 2010 although I'd unofficially known since Thanksgiving day. My "brother" had a dream about fish and immediately said he KNEW it was me. I didn't want to believe it! But I wanted to be a mother badly solely because I wanted to be better than my own. She'd given me up after giving birth and after being in foster care, I was finally adopted. Because I don't know any of my birth family, I was secretly ecstatic at the thought of even being a mom, because I would finally have someone close to me that I knew I shared the same blood with. But getting pregnant was a miracle within itself because at the age of 16 I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and was told that I would NEVER be able to conceive naturally. Obviously God showed me and the doctors that there is NOTHING too hard for him. They explained the risks, saying that I wouldn't make it past the first 3 months and if I did, I'd have to spend the remainder of the pregnancy on bed rest. They gave me the option of basically aborting the pregnancy OR waiting. I chose to wait & pray!! Although bad news seemed to be the gist of all of my doctor appointments, I remained optimistic.
I was a freshman in college, 18 years old, and unmarried... everyone had their negative comments and bashed me for being "irresponsible" but no one ever cared to ask me how I was feeling or even offered to support me as I faced the cold doctor rooms and lonely hospital rooms alone. It was becoming harder and harder to hide because I seemed to be growing WAAAAAY past the normal size for a single pregnancy. Everyone claimed it had to be more than one baby but I was again in denial.
Though preparing to be a mother quickly altered me, the day I was told I was carrying TWINS really changed my life. I can remember laughing and saying, "Wow God! You must really trust me!" As the days passed, I became more excited but also cautious, and although my family wasn't so supportive, my friends and the twins' paternal family kept me encouraged. I was always the one with the inspiring word, but this time, I needed the inspiration.
But let me tell you, nothing prepared me for what was to come. On that February morning, I was in excruciating pain and I don't remember NOT crying that day. I tried to sleep and that did not work, so I drove myself to the emergency room. The doctor said the pain was normal and prescribed me a pill that I wasn't exactly thrilled to add to my growing collection of medicine at home and she assured me that I would be okay. I believed her... and for the first time during the entire span of my pregnancy, I prayed and told God, "no matter what the outcome is, I still thank you and I trust your will." I don't know if that was my spirit preparing me for what was about to happen but I braced myself for any possible situation.
For the rest of the day the pain worsened... and then the spotting... then the hospital again...
I try to block those memories out now because even while I'm typing this, I can't blink without flashes of those scenes replaying in my head. I begged the doctor to save them and even cursed her out for telling me things would be okay! I'm sure you don't care for or even want to know the full details, but I left the hospital feeling empty that day. As I began to finally come back to my senses, I realized that there was a phone call I had to make but I had NO idea of what to say. I felt like a failure and blamed myself... how could I tell the father of my children that the one thing I was responsible for, I didn't have the ability to do? I told him the news that night and I could feel his pain and it hurt me even more.
I fell into deep depression...( LIKE I FORGOT WHO GOD WAS!! ) I wouldn't eat, sleep, or barely talk. I hated myself and replayed that day in my mind over and over and over wondering what I could have done differently. To the outside, I put on a facade as if I was standing strong but to those close to me, I let them know that I felt my only option was suicide. I felt like I couldn't live with the pain of knowing that I'd had another chance at my imperfect life that was tainted with so much sin when my innocent children didn't. No one was there for me in those critical days following the miscarriage. I can remember driving around my neighborhood, looking for a place to end my life... literally. I stopped at a bridge, looked down in the water, and I will never forget this! My best friend sent me a text that said, "I'm not even worried because if you try to kill yourself, it wont work. God isn't through using you for his glory."
When I hear testimonies of people's deliverance or the day they found Christ, its always unique... Before I got pregnant, I was attending church and had been baptized but I did not have a personal relationship with Christ for myself. In my despair, I developed a prayer life and looked to the Word for encouragement and uplifting when I couldn't find it anyplace else. I even accepted my calling into the ministry on January 27, 2011 coming to the conclusion that God can use ANYONE he pleases despite their past or even the mess they're in at the present time. But the miscarriage taught me God in a new way....he took the load of my burdens, gave me peace, and became my best friend. That night at the bridge, he told me my purpose, impregnated me yet again with ministry, and spoke to me thru Romans 8:18 & 28...Scriptures that I had dreams about but never read!
A day doesn't go by that I don't think about my babies, but instead of regret, I now have joy. People ask me how I got through it all and I say, it was nobody but God! I now have peace with the situation and I thank God for using it to teach me and change me. While I was pregnant, God used strangers and men & women of the gospel to let me know that it is his PROMISE that I will be a mother and my children would be chosen and anointed from the time of conception. I've learned that the prophecies and promises of God never fail, so my faith has grown and I know that when he's ready, he'll bless me with my heart's desire. I believe in counting it ALL joy and being patient when I find myself in the middle of a storm. I trust God with my life and know that everything I went thru was just a test to see if I could handle the promise.
For anyone dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, PCOS, infertility, the aftermath of miscarriage, self esteem issues, and even a phase of not understanding God's ways in your life... I encourage you to trust HIS will. He has a plan for your life and we don't suffer on our own account, but for HIS glory. No matter how things look right now, remember that ALL things will work out for your good.
-Lady A. Nicole
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.(James 1: 2-4)
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18)
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)