Saturday, October 22, 2011

Forgive Me For Cheating...

Do you know the feeling of being heartbroken? Finding yourself at the peak of depression because someone you counted on has defied the words of comittment spoken from their lips with their actions. 

I remember putting my trust in countless men, dreams, and even myself and weeping over the disappointment of rejection or inadequacy. My first love held the gift of my innocence, pure...fearless compassion, and selflessness but suggested more. I remember loving him so much that when he was no longer there, I felt as though he'd taken my ability to love again with him. The emotions I was left with even at times caused me physical pain in my heart.

I found love again. From someone that doesn't judge me from what others have done. His embrace is what I desire when the pain of my past tries to creep in. 

But I can't even tell you the reason why I can't seem to be faithful. I want to set a standard with my fidelity but I find myself seeking a temporary, meaningless fix when it seems like he's neglecting me. 

Though I am not worthy and I don't think I'm capable of returning the favor, he continues to forgive me. Despite my infidelity, he bestows invaluable gifts that are unexpected and way bigger than I could imagine in my hands. When those things I turned my back on him for, almost turned fatal, he rescued me. His love for me has not changed or lessened due to my behavior. 

I weep now ashamed of the way that I have been to God. I pray he forgives me for causing his love and forgiveness to be in vain at times. He loves me so much, it killed him...I want to love him so much that it kills me too...kills my flesh so that my soul is vulnerable enough to attach to my love can be a mirror and correct the errors I've made in our relationship.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

"Patience" by Tera Carissa

For anyone that follows my blog, this word that Tera Carissa gives is just a little more that could go along with my last post on FAITH. This lady is TRULY anointed and this is a due season word.

Click here to listen to the word she gave on the conference call last night!!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

FAITH! (the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen)

Faith is the first thing that is required as a Christian but also the hardest for people to practice. James 2:17 is clear "faith without works is dead." We must also do our part with consistent prayer and fasting. Many times we pray for God to move in our favor but get impatient when its not in OUR time. God already answers our requests in advance, there is just a period we have to go through as a test. He wants to know if we can really remain patient and faithful even if he doesn't see fit to give us an immediate response. 

We are all familiar with the phrase, "if you're gonna pray about it, why worry...if you're going to worry about it, why pray?" So why do we? God promises to never leave or forsake us. If he is willing to always take care of us, why do we forsake him? When we turn to others for help or stress about things we enlisted him to help with, it is a reflection of our inner feelings. Not only can God hear our prayers, he knows our hearts. If the inner man is insecure and questions the motives of the Lord, then of course the testing time will be longer. 

Matthew 21:22 says "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." (NIV)

The key word is BELIEVE. 

If you expect to receive something in exchange for prayer you have to believe it's coming. That means acting as if your prayer has already been answered, praising God even more for listening and letting his will be done.

If you're wondering why some of your prayers haven't been answered or your blessing seems to be forgotten take comfort in knowing that a prayer delayed is not denied. But sometimes I wonder (yes, EVEN ME) ...why the delay? Isaiah 43:7 reminds us that we were created for HIS glory. If God did not delay some things in our lives we would become content and LAZY...we would always expect him to give us what we want right when we asked. God takes his time just to remind us who to count on and depend on for help, giving him the credit and appreciation he's due. Also, there are just some trials that are necessary to reveal the God in us. (Romans 8:18-30)

A friend of mine always says, the harder your trial, the shinier your crown...which proves to be true all the time. I find that the longer my waiting and testing period is, the more my blessing blows my mind. In my experience, STRONG faith has given me not only what I thought I wanted, but things I never knew I needed. God's time is not our time and his will is not always what we want or expect. 

If you feel like God isn't moving in your favor, pray that he moves you closer to him.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Are You Really Ready??

You will never regret setting standards. It's the times you compromised and settled for less than you deserved that caused you pain.

God tells you the ending of the story before it even begins. What you have to go through is just a test of your faith to see if you can HANDLE the promises he made and if you DESERVE them....

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

So if things look bad RIGHT NOW, keep the faith that there's more to come. Jeremiah 29:11 teaches us that our conflict is not our conclusion.

In order for something to reach its highest potential, it has to go through a season of maturation. Don't let your IMPATIENCE in the process make you think his promise is IMPOSSIBLE. Proving that you can be faithful with just a seed, shows God that you're able to harvest the fruit.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Marry your faith!

You cheat on your faith when you allow yourself to fear. So many times we allow our focus to dwell on "how" things are going to happen when we should focus on "who" works them for our good. Remaining faithful to your faith sets you up for favor while fear keeps leaves you with your feelings. Don't miss the opportunities behind your open door because your afraid on whats lying inside.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

An Ode to the Love of My Life

I want to love you all the way. I want to love you regardless of what I’ve been through, what may be happening now, or in fear of our future.

I don’t want us to get caught up in those things we can’t change, but hold on to the reasons we found love on this journey in the first place.

 Our love is beautiful…your love warms me up while giving me chills, but also helps me keep my cool while making me hot…

Your love opens my eyes to things I never knew existed…..

Your love feels so good I can taste it…

Your love is made only for me….

Your love highlights my greatest qualities….but

Your love also discovers and uncovers what I need to work on…

Your love brings me a sense of calm….

You love causes me to wake up before day…

I want to spend the rest of my life experiencing your love,

Your love is supportive…the encouragement I have to fuel my greatest endeavors

Your love meets mine in the deepest depths…a place that hate can not travel

Your love is the power source of my greatness

My past almost caused me to miss out on Your love.

 Your love for me is so pure, I found myself afraid and unable to accept it…

The abuse of trust in past caused me to challenge Your love.

But Your love has washed away my past pain and been a present of the present that takes away my apprehensions of the future.

If we take the pain of the past into the future, our hearts can not heal.

 Your love is so special that I can not punish it with someone else’s mistakes.

Your love, nor mine is nowhere near perfect…but

Your love allows me to see the reflection of a God who is perfect ….

Your love teaches me not to seek perfections in our emotions but in our dedication…

Your love removes my former conditions….

Your love was molded from the heart of God who heard my plea for help as I stood in the low places alone

Your love for me drives out the small mishaps that you may do so that disappointment does not last forever

Your love reminds me that true love forgives and the same way that God has forgiven me for disappointing him, I must forgive you.

Your love is an awareness to me not to dwell on today’s problems but my undying commitment to you should start new tomorrow

Your love strips away my layers and the facades that others see…

Your love is the only reason I have given my “I do” to no one else …

Your love created and formatted the seeds I carried and the ones we pray to manifest...

Your love is a perfect pair to not only what I choose to do for you, but as we join and progress towards your dreams and desires, and as I stand beside you.

Your love has caused me to vow to never cause you any pain.

I ask God that MY love heals your heart

 I ask God to let my love encircle and engulf your heart so that everything else is removed and I can only meet YOUR love.

My love molds me into the person that you need me to be and the wife that I know I can be

 My love mends your brokenness and seals your unattended injuries.

My love for you is unconditional


My love is only half as complete without yours.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Because I L O V E the cartoon "As Told By Ginger"...

I have to share my new favorite cover of the theme song...

This song was recorded by one of my newfound twitter homies :) I discovered her on the memorial twitter page for Dominique Frazier after hearing a tribute that she posted in Dominique's honor. 

Follow her on twitter- @_mrsZcaNdiG


FIRST! Read the story of Dominique Frazier!!!!

On the Morning of September 16, 2011... I learned of a college student (like me).... in her 2nd year (like me) ...that was fatally stabbed to death by her roommate over the volume of music. I have never cried so hard. In my heart she was my sister, family member, and friend.  My university, Florida A & M was still fresh out of the grieving process after losing one of our own, Shannon Washington. Shannon was also stabbed.

You all can read the story for yourself but it needs to bring awareness to EVERYONE! Alexis Simpson, Dominique's killer and the young woman who has also lost her life in this case should not have EVER chosen this measure to solve their dispute.

We all have a responsibility to individually educate ourselves on preventative measures that can save lives and reduce heartache.

Why does it have to take someone's death to get me to open my eyes to this?

I have my own opinions about the case but as college students, Americans, African Americans, and concerned people we need to shout from the rooftops about the #STOPTHEVIOLENCE movement.

It all has to start somewhere:

Follow the forerunners of the Stop The Violence campaign on twitter, share your feedback and raise awareness and support locally of the movement.

The Worst Thing that Never Happened to Me...

Meet Troy Davis:

I felt like I chose to get involved too late... On Sunday September 18, 2011 I caught wind of the Troy Davis story and suddenly my life changed. I don't know if he is innocent, but I do know that he is being wrongly executed. Most believe that the victim in this case was the policeman that was killed, but because Troy is a BLACK man charged with killing a WHITE cop...someone has to die for it. Witnesses and evidence prove that there is #TOOMUCHDOUBT in this case.

I guess the reason I am so emotionally attached to this case is because of the thoughts running through my mind. He could be my brother, father, uncle, cousin, or friend. He was not tried fairly and was never given a chance to live, but always expected to die. 

Today I feel like I am losing someone close to me. I can't eat, sleep, or even stay at peace. I put myself in his shoes and wonder if I could stay faithful sitting in prison for a crime I didn't commit. I am literally sick...but Troy is reported to be upbeat and hopeful. 

As I prayed for him, I asked God to let his will be done and just allow his supporters to be accepting. I plead with God to touch the minds and hearts of everyone involved. My prayer was asking God to reveal himself as a miracle worker. I know that whether Troy lives or dies, God is still going to get the glory out of this situation.
Troy is supposed to be executed at 7pm but God is just powerful enough to turn things around at 6:59....

 If you are reading this on September 21, 2011 and Troy Davis is still alive, join me in prayer and desperation for justice to be served.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Learning from Losing

The definition of happiness is to be surrounded by people and circumstances that fully give you no fear of the future. But to feel you’ve never been happy is to be faced with an ultimate loss before finding what you were supposed to have.

On August 15, 1992 I was born at 9:24 AM…and at that time, my biological mother looked into my eyes and decided to never see my face again. I struggle with this along with so many other issues everyday. I can’t understand how you can look into the eyes of a child you’ve held so close to your heart for 9 months and give her away. From birth, it seems I’ve faced loss. This loss came from someone dying and leaving me confused or someone walking out of my life leaving my heart never whole tattered into smaller pieces.

I guess you can say I’ve become numb to the pain of loss because it seems to be so inevitable. I’m at the point where I have come to expect a person to just be another name added to my list of the losses.

The segment of death in the story of my life haunts me everyday. I’d rather not talk about it but its such a major part. It seems like the people that I trusted to be there with me forever have left me through death.  I’ve had countless numbers of friends and family leave me this way…some tragically, and others through illness. Even as I sit and write these words I think of my great grandmother who died last year. She lived her life a full 95+ years but the selfish part of me begged God not to take her away from me even when she was at her lowest. I felt like my heart could not take her leaving me and all I wanted was for her to see me graduate. But I guess as it is with the others I lost, their coming and going was all in God’s plan.

Though death shows its evidence, the pain of having your heart broken over and over again can leave you confused. I’ve been through the hows and the why’s and could never find an answer…so I blame myself. What else could have been the reason that my birth mother didn’t want to even wait around to see if I made it through the week? That broke my heart. And the fact that she didn’t even know who fathered me gave me the most impactful loss in the world…my identity. Before finding out that I was adopted on my 12th birthday, I thought I knew my real family. I thought that the people around me were telling me the truth when they joked of my resemblance to other family members. Knowing that they lied cut deep.

I attempted to heal my heart by giving my all in each relationship (both romantic and platonic). But maybe my all is too much because I end up getting hurt. I came to the realization that everyone that you love can never meet your expectation on how much they are supposed to love you back and the age old lesson of seasonal vs. lifetime people in our lives.

I’ve lost my faith, courage, innocence, trust, hope, and motivation on account of giving my all in situations that weren't worth the battle. I can remember crying myself to sleep because I couldn't seem to find the constant flow of happiness that everyone else seemed to feel.

Don’t get me wrong…I’ve come close but not completely. At one point can you believe I had myself convinced that maybe it was something I didn’t deserve until my mistakes were fixed? Believe me, I’ve made plenty. But until God told me otherwise I had to have an epiphany.

I can’t answer the hows and the why’s that I have on my own and I will never be able to understand why I let other people’s actions influence my emotions to the point where I break down….but I can say that I know I will never break anyone else’s heart purposely. I could speak on other lessons my loss has taught me but I can only sum up a few.

I title this "Learning from Losing" because the loss in different aspects of my life have taught me that if I can help it, I will help every child I can avoid the emotional battles I’ve faced growing up these past 19 years. I want to be able to have my daughters look in the mirror and see a resemblance of me, to know who I am. I don’t want to make a mistake and have my children look into the eyes of a stranger wondering if they share an unknown bloodline.

No, I could never find the solutions to death’s heartbreak but I’ve learned to sacrifice and be an aid to someone who bears it because I know firsthand that the loneliest feeling is crying by yourself.
I might not accomplish each of my goals but I know that I am put on this earth to try them all as best as I can.
Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it.  ~Jacques PrĂ©vert

Just as I thought my worries and pain had subsided, the year 2011 came. I lost the 2 most important people I'd ever gotten to know and I felt as though I had nothing to live for. I realize now that the true lesson in dealing with a loss is realizing that God removes certain things in our lives to replace them with better. He uses isolation to deal with us intimately and to take us higher.

On August 15, 1992 I was born at 9:24 AM….and also on August 15, 1992 I was chosen to live this life to be the perfect example of a survivor. Though life has presented the worst to me, the fact that I have been given chance after chance to do better and find better has provided solace to my pain. I have found joy and contentment in each of my negative situations.  When I came to this realization I discovered that EVERYTHING in my life may not make me happy but by LOSING a few things, I have LEARNED to appreciate the moments, even those negative because I will never have to experience them again. 

Thursday, May 26, 2011

A Letter to My Birth Mom....

To the one that gave birth to me,

Its silly of me to write a letter to someone I don't know and only shared the basics with for 40 weeks, but its the only way I feel I can begin some release. I can only ramble because my thoughts are all over the place because of how much I've held in.

People tell me not to think negatively towards you, but those people are not adopted. I can't help but have spite for you, because of the things that I have had to endure for the past 18 years. I was adopted by a wonderful family that gave their all to me and more, but something was always missing. I could forgive you for giving me up, if I just knew the reason...but I don't. I only know what THEY said. "Birth mother could not provide for child"...Was it that you could not provide me the love most mothers have or financially...I'm confused because you didnt even try. I've seen teenage mothers, single mothers, married but impoverished mothers keep their child because they could not bare to let them go. I ask God everyday what was so wrong with me that you couldnt do the same.

I'm sure you have had other kids by now, maybe even grandchildren so I wonder if they even know anything about me...or am I the mistake or the mishap that you got rid of and forgot about? I look into the eyes of strangers contemplating if they hold a resemblance to me or if they crossed your path while you were here.

Either way, being adopted is worse than the pain of any weapon and now I'm forced to live with unanswered questions and no identity. Searching for my birth family with nothing but a first name and basic health information is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I haven't lost my faith or belief, but I cant help but wonder why its so hard!

Finding out that I was adopted ruined my life. Its like everything I'd lived up to that point was a lie...everyone I'd loved as family, my adopted mother that died after 3 months of my arrival...were not the people I believed them to be.
If I never find you, the only birth relatives I'll ever know are my children, and its a struggle to have them. I wonder if you had the same health problems I have/ had and if I'll ever know the reason. You selfishly left me with NOTHING. You never came back to make sure that the better life I'm sure you thought I'd receive was ensued. 

I can move on, I can't let go, I can't hate you though...all I can do is love you. You may have gave me up but you gave me life and for that I am grateful. My life has been hell and high water but I have had some good times and met great people.

I can just imagine and make assumptions about you.

How can you walk away from a child you held close to your heart for 9 months? Where are my sisters? Why am I emotionally unstable? Why is it so hard for me to have a child?...the questions continue to roll on but I have no one to answer them. I wonder if you knew who my birth father was or if he didnt want me as much as you. I wonder if you even told him he created a daughter.

I have a huge hole in my heart, a broken spirit, and an injured soul that it will only take you to repair. I wonder if you've been thinking about me, or praying for me, or looking for me as hard as I have for you. Even if you do not want me in your life, I just want the relief of knowing that you decided to admit that to me. I cry myself to sleep every night and I wake up with tears in my eyes because not having your blood is like fighting a never ending battle.

I smile to hide my pain or death would be my result. Nobody understands me, but I feel like you would. 

Please give me a chance. Give me the chance to tell you I love you and to hear you say it back, even if you don't mean it. I want to know how you look and hear your voice. Even if its my dying day, I just need that proper goodbye that I wasnt afforded in the beginning so I can end the longest chapter of the novel of my life.

Until I meet you, it does not matter where I've been, where I am, or where my life is headed. 

-Amber Nicole

The Basics

am currently 18 years old.

My greatest accomplishment is the relationship that I have with God. 

I am a believer and a woman of virtue. 

Music is my passion. Praise dancing and singing are my ministries. 

I am a rising sophomore at Florida A&M majoring in Elementary Education. 

I love to cook, dance, draw, paint, and make jewelry. 

I am also passionate about beauty so I do hair and experiment with makeup techniques as well.