Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Learning from Losing

The definition of happiness is to be surrounded by people and circumstances that fully give you no fear of the future. But to feel you’ve never been happy is to be faced with an ultimate loss before finding what you were supposed to have.

On August 15, 1992 I was born at 9:24 AM…and at that time, my biological mother looked into my eyes and decided to never see my face again. I struggle with this along with so many other issues everyday. I can’t understand how you can look into the eyes of a child you’ve held so close to your heart for 9 months and give her away. From birth, it seems I’ve faced loss. This loss came from someone dying and leaving me confused or someone walking out of my life leaving my heart never whole tattered into smaller pieces.

I guess you can say I’ve become numb to the pain of loss because it seems to be so inevitable. I’m at the point where I have come to expect a person to just be another name added to my list of the losses.

The segment of death in the story of my life haunts me everyday. I’d rather not talk about it but its such a major part. It seems like the people that I trusted to be there with me forever have left me through death.  I’ve had countless numbers of friends and family leave me this way…some tragically, and others through illness. Even as I sit and write these words I think of my great grandmother who died last year. She lived her life a full 95+ years but the selfish part of me begged God not to take her away from me even when she was at her lowest. I felt like my heart could not take her leaving me and all I wanted was for her to see me graduate. But I guess as it is with the others I lost, their coming and going was all in God’s plan.

Though death shows its evidence, the pain of having your heart broken over and over again can leave you confused. I’ve been through the hows and the why’s and could never find an answer…so I blame myself. What else could have been the reason that my birth mother didn’t want to even wait around to see if I made it through the week? That broke my heart. And the fact that she didn’t even know who fathered me gave me the most impactful loss in the world…my identity. Before finding out that I was adopted on my 12th birthday, I thought I knew my real family. I thought that the people around me were telling me the truth when they joked of my resemblance to other family members. Knowing that they lied cut deep.

I attempted to heal my heart by giving my all in each relationship (both romantic and platonic). But maybe my all is too much because I end up getting hurt. I came to the realization that everyone that you love can never meet your expectation on how much they are supposed to love you back and the age old lesson of seasonal vs. lifetime people in our lives.

I’ve lost my faith, courage, innocence, trust, hope, and motivation on account of giving my all in situations that weren't worth the battle. I can remember crying myself to sleep because I couldn't seem to find the constant flow of happiness that everyone else seemed to feel.

Don’t get me wrong…I’ve come close but not completely. At one point can you believe I had myself convinced that maybe it was something I didn’t deserve until my mistakes were fixed? Believe me, I’ve made plenty. But until God told me otherwise I had to have an epiphany.

I can’t answer the hows and the why’s that I have on my own and I will never be able to understand why I let other people’s actions influence my emotions to the point where I break down….but I can say that I know I will never break anyone else’s heart purposely. I could speak on other lessons my loss has taught me but I can only sum up a few.

I title this "Learning from Losing" because the loss in different aspects of my life have taught me that if I can help it, I will help every child I can avoid the emotional battles I’ve faced growing up these past 19 years. I want to be able to have my daughters look in the mirror and see a resemblance of me, to know who I am. I don’t want to make a mistake and have my children look into the eyes of a stranger wondering if they share an unknown bloodline.

No, I could never find the solutions to death’s heartbreak but I’ve learned to sacrifice and be an aid to someone who bears it because I know firsthand that the loneliest feeling is crying by yourself.
I might not accomplish each of my goals but I know that I am put on this earth to try them all as best as I can.
Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it.  ~Jacques Prévert

Just as I thought my worries and pain had subsided, the year 2011 came. I lost the 2 most important people I'd ever gotten to know and I felt as though I had nothing to live for. I realize now that the true lesson in dealing with a loss is realizing that God removes certain things in our lives to replace them with better. He uses isolation to deal with us intimately and to take us higher.

On August 15, 1992 I was born at 9:24 AM….and also on August 15, 1992 I was chosen to live this life to be the perfect example of a survivor. Though life has presented the worst to me, the fact that I have been given chance after chance to do better and find better has provided solace to my pain. I have found joy and contentment in each of my negative situations.  When I came to this realization I discovered that EVERYTHING in my life may not make me happy but by LOSING a few things, I have LEARNED to appreciate the moments, even those negative because I will never have to experience them again. 

No comments:

Post a Comment