I remember putting my trust in countless men, dreams, and even myself and weeping over the disappointment of rejection or inadequacy. My first love held the gift of my innocence, pure...fearless compassion, and selflessness but suggested more. I remember loving him so much that when he was no longer there, I felt as though he'd taken my ability to love again with him. The emotions I was left with even at times caused me physical pain in my heart.
I found love again. From someone that doesn't judge me from what others have done. His embrace is what I desire when the pain of my past tries to creep in.
But I can't even tell you the reason why I can't seem to be faithful. I want to set a standard with my fidelity but I find myself seeking a temporary, meaningless fix when it seems like he's neglecting me.
Though I am not worthy and I don't think I'm capable of returning the favor, he continues to forgive me. Despite my infidelity, he bestows invaluable gifts that are unexpected and way bigger than I could imagine in my hands. When those things I turned my back on him for, almost turned fatal, he rescued me. His love for me has not changed or lessened due to my behavior.
I weep now ashamed of the way that I have been to God. I pray he forgives me for causing his love and forgiveness to be in vain at times. He loves me so much, it killed him...I want to love him so much that it kills me too...kills my flesh so that my soul is vulnerable enough to attach to his...so my love can be a mirror and correct the errors I've made in our relationship.